Are You a People Pleaser?
The last few months presented me with a profound challenge that tested my commitment to authenticity.
With a single position available in my workplace, I received many applications, each from exceptional candidates who were not only highly qualified but also genuinely delightful individuals. As much as I wished I could hire them all, the reality demanded a difficult decision—one that would inevitably lead to disappointment.
One of the toughest aspects of this process was grappling with my inner people pleaser.
Despite years of personal growth in this area, I felt the familiar discomfort rising as I navigated the inevitable disappointment for both the applicants and me. I wanted to employ each and every one of them, so making a decision, communicating that, and then letting go, was really hard.
Are you a recovering people pleaser, too?
People pleasers hate disappointing others.
People pleasing can stem from various underlying reasons, often rooted in psychological and social dynamics.
Common reasons we become people pleasers:
1. We seek approval: Many people pleasers seek validation and approval as a way to feel accepted and valued. This can stem from childhood experiences where conditional approval was linked to performance or behaviour. Some cultures or families may value self-sacrifice and putting others first as a display of being ‘good’, leading individuals to adopt these behaviours as a norm or necessity to being an asset.
2. We fear rejection: Fear of rejection or abandonment can drive people to prioritise others' needs and preferences over their own. We may believe that keeping others happy will prevent us from being rejected or disliked.
3. We avoid conflict: People pleasers often dislike conflict and seek harmony in their relationships. They may sacrifice their own preferences to maintain peace and avoid confrontations, even at the cost of their own well-being.
4. We find it hard to say no: People pleasers may have difficulty setting boundaries and saying no to requests or demands, fearing they will disappoint or upset others.
5. Empathy and Sensitivity: Some people pleasers are highly empathetic and sensitive to others' emotions. They may feel responsible for others' happiness and go to great lengths to meet their expectations.
During this uncomfortable process, I sought familiar reference points to guide me such as wise quotes that have anchored me through difficult time before. Brené Brown's words resonated deeply:
"Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It's about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen." - Brené Brown
Maintaining integrity and long-term satisfaction sometimes requires making choices that may disappoint in the short term. Navigating these situations with compassion and clarity is essential for personal growth and fulfilment.
Failing to honour our own values in favour of pleasing others can lead to inner conflict, resentment, and dissatisfaction with our choices and relationships.
Reflecting on this experience, several strategies helped me navigate this challenging decision:
1. Reflect on Values: Take time to identify core values and priorities.
2. Evaluate Choices: Consider the long-term impact on well-being and relationships when faced with difficult decisions.
3. Communicate with Clarity and Compassion: If your decision may disappoint others, communicate honestly and empathetically, explaining your rationale without compromising integrity.
4. Practice Self-Compassion: Understand that it's okay to disappoint others at times as long as you remain true to yourself. Practice self-compassion to manage feelings of guilt or discomfort.
By navigating these steps with awareness and compassion, we can honour our authenticity while nurturing healthy relationships and personal fulfilment.
How are you progressing as a recovering people pleaser?
I'd love to hear from you!
I have added some helpful resources below on self-leadership.