Do you have a love-hate relationship with receiving feedback?
Feedback. We say we want it, yet the minute it lands in our lap, our heart races, our stomach tightens, and we start thinking about all the ways we could defend ourselves.
It’s a strange paradox—we long for feedback because we know it’s crucial for growth, but we also hate hearing it because it often stings, even when it's well-intended.
So, why is it that we have such a love-hate relationship with feedback?
Let’s explore the reasons behind this internal tug-of-war and look at how we can become more comfortable receiving it.
Why We Crave Feedback
We Want to Learn and Improve
At the core of our desire for feedback is a natural instinct for growth. Whether it's professional or personal development, we know that honest feedback is like a mirror, showing us where we shine and where we can improve. Without it, we risk stagnation, blind to our own shortcomings and unaware of our potential.
Validation and Affirmation
Let’s be honest—we don’t just want to know where we can do better. We also seek validation for the things we’re doing right. Positive feedback is a confidence boost, a signal that we’re on the right track. We crave that affirmation, especially when we’re working hard or pushing through challenges.
It’s Linked to Successful Outcomes
In the workplace, especially in high-stakes fields like healthcare, feedback is tied directly to our performance and ultimately, to our success in making a difference. Whatever we’re striving for, we know that feedback is a key ingredient to reaching our goals.
Why We Dread Feedback
Fear of Criticism
Even when the feedback is constructive, it can feel like an attack on our abilities or our character. No matter how much we intellectually know that feedback is meant to help us, it’s hard not to take it personally.
Learning Trauma
Beyond the fear of criticism, some of us have lived through traumatic learning experiences, where we didn’t know things and were shamed, humiliated or harshly judged. This may have led to a trauma response, where our nervous system was deeply imprinted to fear feedback.
It Challenges Our Self-Perception
Feedback can sometimes reveal things we don’t want to admit to ourselves. Maybe we’ve always prided ourselves on being a strong communicator, and now someone’s pointing out that we’ve been dominating conversations or not listening well enough. It’s uncomfortable when the image we have of ourselves doesn’t match the reality someone else sees.
Fear of Change
Feedback often means that we need to change something—whether it’s a behaviour, a process, or a mindset. And let’s face it: change is hard. Even if the feedback makes perfect sense, the effort required to implement it can feel daunting. This fear of the unknown or of stepping outside our comfort zone often keeps us stuck in resistance.
The Impact of Avoiding Feedback
So, what happens when we avoid or ignore feedback?
Over time, we miss out on opportunities for growth, leaving potential untapped. In the workplace, this can lead to poor performance, strained relationships, and a lack of engagement. And for those working in healthcare, avoiding feedback could have a direct impact on client care and safety—clearly, not something we can afford to overlook.
The reality is that while avoiding feedback might provide short-term comfort, it ultimately stifles progress. It’s a bit like sticking our heads in the sand. Sure, it feels safe in the moment, but it does nothing to address the problems that could be silently building around us.
How to Get More Comfortable Receiving Feedback
Shift Your Mindset
Instead of seeing feedback as criticism, try to view it as data. It’s information that can help you improve. By removing the emotional weight from feedback and treating it like a useful tool, you’re more likely to embrace it.
Listen First, React Later
When receiving feedback, our instinct is often to jump in and defend ourselves. Resist the urge to explain or justify right away. Instead, listen carefully and take in what’s being said. Give yourself time to sit with the feedback and process it before reacting. This shows that you value the feedback, and it gives you space to consider how it can help you improve.
Ask for Specifics
If feedback feels vague or unclear, don’t be afraid to ask for more detail. Specific feedback is far more actionable. If someone says, “You could improve your communication skills,” ask them for examples of when or how your communication could be better. This turns general feedback into something you can work with.
Seek Feedback Regularly
One of the best ways to get comfortable with feedback is to make it a regular part of your routine. When feedback is given regularly, it feels less daunting and more like a natural part of the process. Instead of dreading the occasional feedback session, you’ll be able to adjust continuously and grow in real time.
Practice Gratitude
It might sound strange, but learning to appreciate feedback—especially the constructive kind—can change your whole outlook. Even when feedback feels tough, try to view it as a gift. Someone took the time to provide insights that could help you become better at what you do. That’s worth thanking them for.
Finding the Balance: Craving vs. Dreading Feedback
At the end of the day, most of us walk a fine line between wanting feedback and fearing it. The key to navigating this tension is developing a healthier relationship with feedback. The more we can normalise it as part of growth, the less intimidating it becomes.
Here’s a metaphor to keep in mind: Feedback is like a compass. Without it, we’re wandering around in the dark, unsure of whether we’re heading in the right direction. With it, we can adjust our course and stay on track, moving towards the best version of ourselves.
Yes, feedback can sometimes feel like a punch in the gut, but it’s also the thing that propels us forward. The discomfort is temporary, but the benefits of receiving (and acting on) feedback can last a lifetime.
For more detail on how to give and receive feedback, join my upcoming Feedback Conversations Masterclass.